Empathy
Do you know what empathy is? You might be able to state a cognitive definition, but have you really experienced it? What is the difference between sympathy and empathy? How does empathy connect to life purpose? These are some of the questions that this post will explore. I hope you really engage in this post, because it is essential to discovering life purpose. Life purpose requires that you do inner emotional work. It is not only a process of continuous thinking… thinking…. thinking…
Let’s start with the difference between sympathy and empathy. Sympathy, in a brief manner of describing it, is feeling sorrow for someone or feeling sorry for yourself. To feel sorry for someone can be a positive experience. Why would it be bad to feel sorry for someone? Yes, there really isn’t anything wrong with sympathy. It is a normal life experience, but it does not lead to inner life purpose discovery. It does not lead to greater self awareness. In a lot of ways it distances you from your own inner experience because you may not reflect on your own suffering or experience. You might look at someone’s life experience and want to help, but you don’t really understand (or try to understand) that experience. The desire to help is often a desire to fix, rather than first seeking to understand. If you feel self-sympathy, you might feel bad about your life experience and want it to be different. You might want it to change, but may not give time to reflect on your experience in depth with an eye that holds yourself responsible (at least in part) while not judging. These are some hard things to grapple with! Now let’s move to empathy.
Empathy has more to do with truly connecting with someone on an emotional level and truly connecting with yourself. This does not mean that you can say to someone “I know just how you feel” because that, in the end, is not true (at least my personal experience, training, and professional experiences have led me to this conclusion). You are not them. Even if on the surface you have experienced the same thing, who you are and the context you are in are different. Perhaps an example could be that you have both lost your parents to a car accident when you were 14 years old. In this example, you will likely respond differently in many ways to your loss. There will likely be similarities, but you are still unique. You did not grow up in the same place (even if you were born a twin in the same home, you had your own experience). You do not hold the same traditions and beliefs. You do not share the same values, interests, educational background, etc. Even if you do have similarities in the areas described here, you are a unique individual in how you make sense of your “similar” experience. Empathy means you can try as best as you can to connect. You can imagine “as if” you were in the experience. Carl Rogers, revolutionary clinical psychologist, may have stated it best.
“An empathic way of being with another person has several facets. It means entering the private perceptual world of the other and becoming thoroughly at home in it. It involves being sensitive, moment by moment, to the changing felt meanings which flow in this other person, to the fear or rage or tenderness or confusion or whatever that he or she is experiencing. It means temporarily living in the other’s life, moving about in it delicately without making judgments; it means sensing meanings of which he or she is scarcely aware…” (Rogers, A Way of Being, 1980, page 142)
Rogers talks about how we can really connect with how people view their life and how they might feel. We do this without becoming the other person’s experience. Why is this whole discussion of empathy important to life purpose? In order to find an intrinsically motivated life purpose you need to know who you are at an emotional level. You also need to know how to connect to the emotional level of others. This often includes knowing how to actively listen. To listen without preparing what you want to say next. To listen with the desire to understand as best as possible. To listen with an eye for what the person means, not necessarily what they say. To listen without judgement. To listen for patterns. To listen with compassion. The list could continue!
The paradoxical thing here is that the more people understand in this way, the more able they are to help others change. Yeah, that’s right! The more able you are to non-judgmentally understand yourself and others the more able you open yourself up to being free to change. Being non-judgemental means that you can hold enough compassion (for yourself and/or others) to try to understand first. Empathy of this sort (towards both yourself and others) is life enhancing and changing. Even more specifically, it is life purpose enhancing.
Empathy, as described here, is to be attuned. You are able to see yourself and others from a fuller perspective. This opens yourself up to inner motivations that you may have been scarcely able to notice before. When you experience this form of empathy from someone else, it can change your life. It shows that the inner heart can be seen and acceptable; that the inner experience can be known, embraced, and honored.
If you have not experienced empathy regularly in your life, I encourage you to meet with a counselor, friend, coach, spiritual leader, etc. who can provide you with this type of empathic environment. It can be a hard thing to do; to open yourself up to empathy. It may feel awkward or unnatural at first, but it is worth it. Empathy is truly a foundation to life enhancing purpose. I believe it is impossible to find life purpose and meaning without experiencing deep levels of empathy. Sometimes we trust the critics in our life (which often is yourself) and until we learn to move past that way of being and relating in the world, life purpose will be drowned out with all of the self-deprecating thoughts/emotions we grapple with. The power of being in a relationship where someone is empathetic towards you is so important because when you experience that form of a relationship you begin to learn how to demonstrate empathy towards yourself. In other words, the empathetic relationship will translate to how you view yourself.
This post is not full of advice or a how-to guide to empathy. Empathy is much deeper than that. It can require effort, sacrifice, and training to develop. Some come at it more naturally than others. Wherever you are at, think about what you believe and what you have experienced in regard to empathy. I encourage you to move towards people and ideas that inspire self-empathy. Doing so will move you towards your life purpose.
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